...la dee da dee da~!*~!*~!*

6:02pm: ~!*
...ok children... i have a new Lj name...its SimplyHonest...so go to that one, b/c this one will no longer be updated~!* kk
PEACE

10:37pm: ~!*
..so im bored with my Lj user name... any new clever ideas????


...in other news.... uhhh, well there isnt much. other than i miss my friends....we never hang out anymore .... it makes me sad*~*!~* oh well... i guess its partially my fautl...ahem, my parents fault, cuz im never allowed to do anything lol. yes yes, that must be it.... oh well fuck it, im outta here in 6 months~!*~*! woo woo~!*

... oh well, i'll try to call you guys this weekend~!* love you all~!*
PEACE~*!

10:36pm: i dont even know
....ok, so im in this kinda good mood. but at the same time i feel like a huge part of myself is gone. like i feel ok, but just so empty at the same time. i just done even know what my deal is lol.
....i dont know how to make myself happy anymore. when im out with my friends im happy and have fun, like tn at mi hacienda lol~!* that was fun! and then leaf jumping lol,.... that was interesting lol. but then when i have some time to myself i dont know what to do. My mind starts going crazy, and i start thinking about all this crazy stuff, and then i just get upset and start to panic about everything. i dont even know why. school is going alright (grade wise), i love my friends, and even things at home arent as bad. dont get me wrong, its still shitty, but its improved slightly. and yet i still feel so......alone.

.....i know my journal has seemed real negative lately, and if you read it and dont know me then you prolly think im a really depressed person. lol but im not really. i have fun when im not home. but then when i come home, then yea......its pretty depressing. and also lately, i just feel like there is no point. so whatever.... life goes on.

10:18pm: i dont even know
....ok, so im in this kinda good mood. but at the same time i feel like a huge part of myself is gone. like i feel ok, but just so empty at the same time. i just done even know what my deal is lol.
....i dont know how to make myself happy anymore. when im out with my friends im happy and have fun, like tn at mi hacienda lol~!* that was fun! and then leaf jumping lol,.... that was interesting lol. but then when i have some time to myself i dont know what to do. My mind starts going crazy, and i start thinking about all this crazy stuff, and then i just get upset and start to panic about everything. i dont even know why. school is going alright (grade wise), i love my friends, and even things at home arent as bad. dont get me wrong, its still shitty, but its improved slightly. and yet i still feel so......alone.

.....i know my journal has seemed real negative lately, and if you read it and dont know me then you prolly think im a really depressed person. lol but im not really. i have fun when im not home. but then when i come home, then yea......its pretty depressing. and also lately, i just feel like there is no point. so whatever.... life goes on.

10:18pm: i dont even know
....ok, so im in this kinda good mood. but at the same time i feel like a huge part of myself is gone. like i feel ok, but just so empty at the same time. i just done even know what my deal is lol.
....i dont know how to make myself happy anymore. when im out with my friends im happy and have fun, like tn at mi hacienda lol~!* that was fun! and then leaf jumping lol,.... that was interesting lol. but then when i have some time to myself i dont know what to do. My mind starts going crazy, and i start thinking about all this crazy stuff, and then i just get upset and start to panic about everything. i dont even know why. school is going alright (grade wise), i love my friends, and even things at home arent as bad. dont get me wrong, its still shitty, but its improved slightly. and yet i still feel so......alone.

.....i know my journal has seemed real negative lately, and if you read it and dont know me then you prolly think im a really depressed person. lol but im not really. i have fun when im not home. but then when i come home, then yea......its pretty depressing. and also lately, i just feel like there is no point. so whatever.... life goes on.

8:47pm: ~!*
..so yea, i cut and colored my hair.... ya cant really tell i colored it tho, but you can definantly tell that i cut it..... (thank you caiti for straightening out the back!!!! muah *muah*)

...so yea, thats about it..... i just wanted to do sumthing different i guess~!* lol

peace~!*

5:02pm: ......
"wake up and let go
of these feelings that
i've had for you....
it's easier said than done."

~*! i'm in a good mood today, kinda. i feel like i have something to look forward to..... lol moving out. i will prolly move out either in april, or at the end of june. i guess it just depends if someone wants to take me in, and how things are going at the house.... as of now i just want to leave.
... i know my parents just want whats best for me, and their hearts are in the right place, but it's just not working. it's really hard for me to respect them and whatnot, when all they ever do is tell me that im the reason our family has so many problems.
..so i also have trouble understanding why i cant leave now if im such a horrible kid and im the cause of all the problems?

....on a good note tho~!* i am going to florida in 2 weeks~!* i am tooo excited~!* i can wear a skirt again!! lol.... i hate the winter and all of its coldness!
...also i guess im paiting my room, so hoorah, that will at least give me sumthing to do while im once again....grounded. big surprise right... lol
...im too the point where i dont even care anymore if i get in trouble, i am soooooo close to being able to just walk away from all of this. so yea, make my life hell for the next 5 months...
haha... i think i have been grounded more this school year so far than i have been ungrounded. so im kinda used to it lol.

~***hmm, what else what else.... nothin really, im just excited to go paint my room~!* lol, its gunna be orange. .... hmmm, maybe i wont move out right away if im gunna re-do my whole room, i want to enjoy it at least for a little bit~!*lol

10:11am: lol i think im retarded!
~*! last night kinda sucked.. there was NOTHING GOING ON. but somehow i still managed to have some fun i guess. I went over to bryan, ryan and kyles for a bit. But i dunno, i was all giddy and didnt want to just sit around, so i went out with my sister over to her friends place. but right as i pulled up jim calls me, so i went over to his house, and once again.. nothing going on over there. but i ended up staying over there till about 1:30, then went to my g-ma's house to sleep.
!ah! im sooooo pissed, i could have stayed out all friggin night last night because my parents ended up staying the night in Findly, they were supposed to be home around 1. oh well fuck it.
Blah, i dont even know.
...damn, last night i was like freaking out too. i was just in a really strange mood and couldnt sit still. lol, i was all figity and giddy, like i was frigging shaking lol. but it wasnt a bad kinda strange mood, i was in a good mood, i guess i just had a lot of energy. i dunno.~!* oh well, i gots ta go shower, then off to work......PEACE~*!~* muah** muah**!!!


"maybe its nothing
maybe it all just in my mind
maye im foolish
maybe its just a waste of time
but i dont think so
maybe i definantly know......"

5:01pm: AHHHHH!
... ah! i am so stressed with school! lol. i am failing one of my science classes, i have hardly started a 10 pg paper that is due tm, and i definantly DONT understand the math.
...i just cant get motivated to do anything for school. all of my classes are pointless except for english. thats the only one i need to pass.

...so i guess at work tn imma have to work on the paper, hopefully get most of it written, and then tn i am staying at my grandparents house because i found that i can concentrate better when im not home. so im prolly gunna pull an all nighter doing this damn paper. oh well~!*

....at least i can get it done and then not have to worry about it this weekend~*! wish me luck, and i will see you all on saturday prolly~!* muah muah~!*

PEACE~!

8:47pm: ...wake up and let go of all the feeling that i've had for you, its easier said than done.
...today was kinda fun. i worked (well that part wasnt) and then shopped with fe rach and emily. then i went to hang out with jimmy for a little bit..

...fuck! i dont even know, i feel like im not getting anywhere with anything in my life. i dont feel like i have anything to look forward to anymore. sometimes i seriously wake up wishing that i hadnt. when school started it seems like my whole world just fell apart. i was soooo fucking happy the last like 6 weeks of summer, and that was seriously thee happiest i have ever been, and now i just feel like i want to shoot myself everyday. i dont even know what the fuck is wrong with me. i dont know how to make myself happy anymore. i just want this fucking school year to be over with, and i want to get the fuck out of my house and away from my parents.
i just have no motivation to do anything or be anything anymore. all i ever want to do is sleep, just not at my house lol, but i'll go over to other peoples houses and all i want to do is sleep... even when im with people that i liek to be around, i still have all this shit on my mind that i cant stop thinking about, and then i find myself almost in tears, so i just end up going home anyways.
seriously... what the fuck is wrong with me? i thought senior year was supposed to be your best year?
...lol i envy all you happy people!

12:58am: ...
..so yea, me and jimmy broke up. but he says he still wants to see me and hang out and all that. now i dont know if he is just doing the whole i dont want to date, but we can still be friends thing.. where you never talk to each other again and its just a nice way of saying i dont want you anymore. or if he really does still want to hang out. im gunna guess he does cuz we kinda made plans for sunday, so this should be interesting.
....but as for now, im just going to pretend that im not at all upset about this, ...see im smiling :)......yea i know, not very convincing.
....dammit! this sucks !

oh well, tm is the hit the lights and the weakend show... i am kinda excited to go to it, because well i dunno, i like hit the lights... and then sunday should be intersting because my parents are going out of town for the day, and im supposed to hang out with jim... so yea, this weekend may not turn out to be too bad~*!~*! despite my horrible headaches ive been having recently... i think their stress related.

3:49pm: ......but i've got a plan, drink for 40 days and 40 nights.
damn........ damn... damn..... lol. thats all i really have to say. that, and i need a bottle of southern comfort! lol cuz i need some comfort, and why not from my favorite drink!

11:58pm: ....
tn was fun. I went to go see hit the lights and post break tragedy with some people. twas a good show. and then later we went back to bryans for a while, where once again my mind started to go off to its shitty place, and i was doing everything i could to hold back from breaking down and crying. so i came home. and now i cant sleep. i think im going to try to score some sleeping pills. because that seriously is the only way i can get to sleep. i think i have seriouse insomnia. i dont know how to shut my mind off.
....oh well fuck it.
goodnight.

10:42pm: ....~!*
..ok so im done fucking around. I dont need a guy to make me happy. ...so screw you guy! ....there i said it! what now! lol

seriously tho... im not going to allow myself to screw up anymore. Im done with the whole relationship thing. I was doing so much better before i met this guy, and now im just all messed up. so im saying fuck it. if he wants to be with me, he can come to me. Im not calling or visiting anymore. yea, i really like him and care about him, but that was my mistake. I let myself care a little bit too much, and now im getting screwed over for it. So im done..... im over it.... i dont need him to make me happy.....

.......now the only hard part is believing all that....
..i just wish i was a stronger person.


oh well.. on a happy note~!* i hung out with caiti yesterday, twas fun. And then we picked up Rachel and stopped by scotts. Twas a short visit, but i saw a few people that i havent seen in a long long long time. Damn i didnt really realize just HOW much i missed you guys untill i actually saw ya~!* MUAH MUAH! .... hopefully i'll be able to go do stuff this weekend with people.... it depends if my parents want to be bitches or not....... (6 more months...6 more months....)

4:42pm: i am such a bitch! lol
...blah, im so fustrated right now. im really pissed at my parents,but im taking it out on the one person that i really care about...... although he is kinda pissing me off too. but i can understand why he feels the way he does about coming over to my house.
...so i guess this is the real test. If he really wants to make things work and be with me, then he will come over to my house. because that is the only way that we can see each other at this point. and i bet money that it will get better with in a month or so, and i will eventually be able to go back over to his house and do all the stuff that i was able to do before.
...but if he doesnt come over to see me, then hes not worth it and i am going to become a lesbian! lol. because boys suck and all the ones ya care about end up hurting ya... so why even bother.

so yea~*! PEACE..

....oh yea, and just kidding about the lesbian thing lol ;)

12:19am: ...i dont know if im happy or sad lol~!*
..ok... the happy part...... somehow i am all of a sudden not grounded or in trouble any more. its kinda weird , and im convinced it is a trap!. so yea, anyways tn was fun~!* HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! (for those of you who know what im talking about) that was a blast laura~!* muah! and then after thanksgiving, i went over to bryan ryan and kyles new appartment with fe and saw a bunch of people that i havent seen in forever and that i missed a lot! so that was real cool.
..ok..the sad part. So im off grounding, and im also allowed to see my boy again. ...i really dont know how that one happend?... and then so i tell my boy that im allowed to be with him and all that shit. and he didnt even seem at all happy about it, he was just like oh. ok. so yea, that kinda depresses me. so fuck that. it pisses me off because i know that he likes me, or at one point at least really did. and if my parents hadnt of been so fucking insane, then my relationship with jim wouldnt be so shitty. so i blame my parents lol. they kinda really ruined a really good thing. although then again when i told him all that, he was just like, oh well maybe things will be good again.... but i dunno, it didnt sound to promising. this is why i fucking hate relationships. someone always gets hurt, thats why i avoided them for so long.
...overall i guess today was an alright day. it was fun having thanksgiving and all, and then seeing my friends new place..... i dunno, maybe things will get better. :)

4:32pm: .....i give up
....its so pointless trying to talk to my parents about anything, so im done trying. I talked to my mom a little bit, but she just tells me to talk to my dad... well im not going to waste my breath talking to that man anymore. He doesnt listen to me at all, and all we do is argue. It really hard not getting alone with my parents. Im supposed to love my parents, but i honestly hate my dad. The only thing he does for me is give me financial support. I dont want him to give me material things, thats nice and all but i want him to treat me like a person. It is seriously killing me that anything that he ever says to me is negative. He always has to point out everthing i do wrong. and thats great and all but he needs to tell me what i can do to make things right.
Its been about a month. Ive tried to talk to him and ive tried to get my shit together, but obviously its not enough. The only time i see my friends is in school, and thats really the only time i talk to them. I never talk to or see jimmy, i try to call him but hes never home. So i think when i finally do get ahold of him.... its over. Im sick of trying to make my relationships work with anyone, with my friends, with my family, with jimmy. I cant see anyone one anyways, and no matter how hard i try with my parents .. im still wrong. I should seriously just run away and go live with my mom. Or just flat out shoot myself five times in the head.
Its one thing to ground me, take away my phone, take away my car, cds, bedroom door, stereo, and all the other material things. i can deal with that. but to start taking away my relationships with the people i care most about, thats just killing me. I cant hang out with anyone, or talk to anyone. I know i have friends, but i never see them.
So im done trying, im done arguing, im not going to try to call jimmy any more for a while. im just done!
....at least i have graduation to look forward to. because after i graduate, im leaving. I dont know where im going, or if im going to get an apartment or go stay with another family memeber, but i cant live in my house anymore.
....my parents can go right ahead and make the next 6 months of my life a living hell, but i can make the rest of their life a living hell by leaving and never coming back.
...and fuck you anyone who comments on this telling me im bitching and i should be grateful. YOU try liveing with my dad for a week, and then tell me im being immature and ungrateful.
..im sick and tierd of being emotionally abused by my own family. sometimes i wish he would just slap me or something and then walk away. It would almost be better than having to listen to what a fuck up i am for hours and hours.

7:04pm: ~!*
....la dee da dee da. Life is really such a bitch. Oh well~!* lol
im in a really good mood today, bored as fuck, but still in a good mood. Im going to florida real soon~!* so hoorah, im excited.
And i am TOTALLY excited for thanksgiving in october at lauras~ lol what a crazy but WONDERFUL idea... thanksgiving food is great.
...wow im just in a good mood. first time in a while~!* woo-hoo.

5:00am: .....
..is five fucking am. and i cant sleep. i have school in 3 hours. and ive been up since 3 30. i need some fucking sleeping pills. because apparently i cant get to sleep on my own. i have to much shit on my mind.
.. i wish i could just learn to shut my mind off and not stress about the little things. but when there are about a million little things and about 100 big things, its kinda hard to let it all just role off your shoulders.

.....i just feel so broken and non-repairable...... so whats the point?

9:46am: ...so last night was homecoming, and i actually had a lot of fun. despite some of my friends trying to bring me down. And you know who you are, and if you do read this, i understand why you didnt want to take me home, but 1-i wasnt even drunk and 2-you dont have to me so damn mean. but thanks anyways.
..After homecoming ashley b. took me home, but we made a quit stop to go see my boy. For some reason it was kinda akward seeing him this time? i dunno, maybe i was just being nervous and dumb like i always am now when i see him or call him. And i am convinced his roomate (mike) hates me lol... in a loving kind of way.
..today, well i dunno whats on the agenda for today. i wonder if im even allowed to do anything? prolly not, but if i am, i am definantly calling ashley b. to do sumthing. lol that girl is soo much fun~*!

..PEACE!

11:07pm: ~!*
...i think i love him.
i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. its kinda scary.

10:53pm: ...tee hee
...yea so i dunno. things are starting to look up, at least i have my damn bedroom door back, and im able to drive my car to school and work. but im still not allowed to hang out with certain people because "they are a bad influence" and as it stands im still never allowed to see or talk to jimmy again.... i miss him, more than i have really ever missed anyone. i wish things were different, and i wish i hadent of been such a bitch to him last night. but oh well shit happens.
....i dont like feeling like this.

....im really looking forward to homecoming and all. Maybe it will all cheer me up. But even homecoming seems so pointless. i really need to get out of this horrible mood i've been in and just get on with life. and belive me i want to. but its so hard when i cant even talk to or hang out with 4 certain people that i care so much about.
...when did we all get so grown-upish??? lol it really seems like a lot of my friends are all getting in trouble and we are being forced to grow up and face reality, and its kinda exciting, but at the same time its kinda scary. i dont know.
...when did we all lose are childlike innocence? where along the line did i go wrong? where did any of us go wrong? it seems like, not just me, but some of my other friends are just losing control of things and just feeling like shit, or being upset about things.
...this summer was amazing, and i dont think any of us were ready to go back to school and deal with real life.
..this past summer has been the best summer ever, and i owe it all to all of my friends who i hung out with and became close with. and i wish we were all still as close as we all used to be.

......its like everything just faded out. it makes me sad.

12:09am: "If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent

Yeah.... Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I 'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

If your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine

Yeah.... And you'd cry a little
And die just a little
and baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

Give it up baby
I hear your doin' fine
Nothing's gonna save me
I can see it in your eyes
Some kind of heartache, darlin
give it a try
I don't want pity
I just want what is mine

Yeah... Could you cry a little
And lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me"
-cry..faith hill

9:57pm: ...i dont want to think about you!
.. im sad. lol i miss my friends. i miss everything. although im the one who got myself into all of this. even tho i still dont think i did anything so terrible to deserve this! everythign has been taken from me. so yea, i miss hanging out with all of you~*! love you muah! lol

...in other news.... well there really isnt much, other than i might go to florida over thanksgiving.. so hoorah hoorah!! lucky me ! hehe!

...i have very optimistic feeling about things tho, i think everything is going to eventually blow over, and things will work out.

..so yea~*! love ya all~!* PEACE*~

4:45pm: ....home sweet fucking home.
...well today was a good day, untill i came home, and then i was just reminded of my shitty homelife. lol. but oh well. i get to go to work in an hour!! woo hoo!!!! people people! come visit me at work!! either at the carousel or halloween bootique~*! because i am not longer allowed out of my house or allowed to have people over! because my parents have gone mad! and they are overreacting to the dumbest thing......
like i understand that they are upset. but damn, get over it! whats done is done. and takeing everything away from me isnt going to make things any better!....7 more months 7 more months!!! 18! 18! lol.... wow im in a pretty good mood for as shitty as things just got~!*~* lol~!*
love you all! PEACE!